Criticizing Twitter and its users is one of the lowest forms of shallow condescension - right up there pointing out that the things in the Alanis Morissette song aren’t technically “ironic”. The “why do I care what you had for breakfast” routine is one best relegated to bad stand-up comedians and 24-hour-cable-news hosts.
That said, I don’t think I’m cool enough to use Twitter (translation: I think I’m too cool to use Twitter). If I did, though, this is what it would be like:
- Getting a new toilet seat is like getting a whole new toilet
- Movies that I won’t see because they have numbers in the title: 3:10 to Yuma, The Taking of Whatever 123
- Movies are too long.
- Whenever I come from getting my teeth cleaned at the dentist, I feel like I need to gargle with CocaCola to get my mouth back to normal.
- When do single-parents shower?
- Shameful confession: I enjoy getting promotional emails from Dell.
- Get off my lawn!
Before my friends helpfully point it out, I actually do “use” Twitter in several ways. I have an account to follow the posts of friends, and I have helped create Twitter to the Editor and Hungarian and Back. Twitter is actually a very cool service, but I’d prefer a more open system.