If I am ever famous, and I say this not in a hopeful or expectant way, but rather acknowledging that anything, even the most implausible can happen, I will try my utmost not to be Ben Affleck. Which is to say, in a slightly less longwinded and round-about way of saying things, that I hope I am never quoted as follows: “Fame is wasted on me. I already feel like I don't want to have sex five times a day. It's depressing.”*
I would hope that no matter how taxing celebrity is on the genius that I am, or at least that I might possibly be, I will muster all the will-power and fortitude that I possess, and continue having sex five times a day. I would do this, not for myself, but for the world at large with the multitude of ordinary and non-famous people which it contains. Understandably, there will be days upon which having sex five times will seem depressing and the whole thing will seem unbearable oppressive, and I'll no doubt feel like I've wasted my life banging the constant stream of starlets, fans, and other nubile young women who are endlessly offering themselves to me. However, I will soldier on selflessly, understanding that the common man (who feels pretty good about himself if he's managed to have sex five times in a year, and further that during at least one of those times his partner seemed to be enjoying his/herself, or baring that, was at least not visibly annoyed or upset) needs people like me, or like the person I might possibly be.
The common man needs someone to look up to, someone who has an incredible amount of sex, and equally important, someone who enjoys having an incredible amount of sex. Without this kind of role model men everywhere will lose sight of what it means to have dreams; they will despair that there is no happiness to be had in this sad little world. After all, if having sex five times a day cannot shield a man from depression, what hope is there for the masses of men who generally only think about sex five times a day (and when I say “day” in this latter context, I actually mean a somewhat lesser measure of time, a minute, for example)? So it will be thinking of the ordinary man that I may, though in all likelihood will probably not, suffer through my fame, continuing to have sex five times a day whenever possible, masking the depression that is inherent in every tiresome sex act, every monotonous sexual position, and every oppressive orgasm. I won't do it for myself, I'll do it for men everywhere.
* Ben Affleck in Australia's New Weekly magazine on a date I forgot to write down.
Comments
Johnny B Hive - October 21, 2003 5:05 pm
Life is said to be an adventure, and inspiration is said to come from some kind of spiritual force, well I have traveled up and down the coast's working and writing and playing music to anyone that will listen, born in lafayette Indiana I have driven myself to the bounds and determinations to strike the outer limits of impossibilities to be come something of greatness. For those of you who love music please feel free to down load as much of my music yyou would like at Johnnybhive.com, and I would love some feed back positive or negative... let me have have it... A new generation is starting to rise.....
Brandon Hale - January 31, 2004 3:40 am
Hey Johnny,
Your mom gave me your web sight address. This is actually Brandon's dad typing to you. If you ge time, Brandon would be glad to hear from you. He is still here in Lafayette and got married Aug. 31 to a real Babe. He doesn't have a internet hook up yet, but will have one soon. If you get time and want to drop him a few lines, feel free to send them here and I will see that he gets them.
We're looking for you to make it to the big time real soon. I hear you have been doing real good and are on the "verge" so to speak. I heard some of your music recently being played at a bowling alley. They have a D.J. on Friday nights at this bowling alley. He has a kick ass sound system and they turn on a lot of flashing light for the kids to bowl to. A lot of Purdue students attend. I, being the law enforcement officer, have to keep them in line. Your music was really good.I may be an old fart, but I still know and appreciate good music.Good luck to you and stay safe. You still sing my all time favorite rendition of Blue Christmas.
Randy Hale
Janine mcghee - February 10, 2004 1:06 pm
hello. im sorry i can't help you but i was wondering if we could work it out together. i would also love to be famous one day but at this rate we seem to be going no where. so please if you wish, help me and i shall do the same for you! im 13 years old, how old r u? please write back if you want!
Janine
courtney - February 15, 2004 9:22 pm
this is my big chance ti become famous i want to act i want to become famous.please help me out i REALLY WANT TO MEET !!LIL ROMEO!!. i think he is soo hot so if you can help me out. i want to become famous.please help me.
~courtney~
call me if you can get me famous call me at (408)204-1202
thats my cell. please call me
Jennifer VanZwam - February 23, 2004 10:41 pm
Hi i would like to become famous not for the fame but for the opportunity to change lives with the movies I make and inspire people to change their lives!!! but I guess if i was famous for the first week or so i would just die!!!!! it would be the upmost best thing in the whole widw world!!!!!
Stephanie - February 25, 2004 2:32 pm
I want to become famous because i love to be dramatic and i love to act, sing, and dance. If i could become famous i would really try to make a difference in the world. i have a great imagination and i love to be infront of the camera.
shawna - February 27, 2004 11:22 am
dude if any of you want to become damn famous get off your ass and go to holly wood. don't sit around websites expecting people to pick you up on the internet! god.
sara curtis - March 8, 2004 7:51 pm
hi my name is sara. i live in new york and my life is kinda boring i am a 15 female and i have alot of hobbies i really want to beacome famous. i want to be on a show like lizzy mcgriwer... i wanna be somebody.. please help me. please wrote back to sarasangel44@netscape.net
~PLEASE~PLEASE~PLEASE~PLEASE~PLEASE~
I WILL DO ANYTHING
Bubble gum - April 11, 2004 7:07 am
Sara you or not the only one i want to be famous to ! I have got a band and it is not getting any where i tryed to make my own web site! Oh and bye the way my name is Bubble gum but my real name is louise i have brown hair and blue eyes! (MY bands name is fluffy faires!)
I wrote this letter to cheer you up!
From
Louise